April 1968, I am 15 years old, serving Catholic mass, and devout in my faith. I watch with fascination and awe as the priest consecrates the host into the body of Christ. He says, “this is the body”. Ecce homo! I see no physical change, but I am totally mesmerized. I am convinced the miracle of transubstantiation has occurred. I feel absolute faith, no doubt exists. I am part of God’s ways on Earth.
June of 1968, my journey in faith is changing. My life is not going the way I wanted. An amalgam of alcohol and mescaline cannot be reconciled with my faith in God. Self-justification is too difficult to stomach. My behavior is unacceptable if I am to continue in my faith. I am stubborn, willful, and hateful. I turn my back on God. Who needs God?
January of 1996, my own way has resulted in a life of futility. I am alcoholic and also addicted to methamphetamines. I feel hopeless and desperate, fear fills my every moment. I am a lost soul. I must seek help because I have no choice. My way has failed.
I am told my defense must come from a higher power – may I find God now! I am angry and indignant…how dare they? They are superstitious fools. My intellect has failed. They say that God has solved their problem. My way does not work! I have begun to doubt what I think I know. I am screwed!
Time has gone on. My mind is starting to clear. I do not twitch and drool as much. It is around October of 1996. I have met a man named Dutch and he is completely crazy. At times he holds the Bible in one hand the book Alcoholics Anonymous in the other, while sharing his experience. He tells me how he got sober. He says God entered, then saved his life.
Dutch plays the air piano and gives me page numbers from the A.A. “Big Book” to review while he shares. Dutch has a host of friends and works with men, helping them learn about sobriety. He is respected within the group. Financially, Dutch has done very well. He owns property, a trailer park, and has plenty of cash. I begin to believe that I am not as smart as a thought after all. My doubts start to fade. I begin to feel foolish and judgmental. Who am I to say God did not do this for Dutch. I know Dutch is nuts. God has obviously entered his life and protects him. Maybe the others who speak about what God has done for them are correct as well.
Maybe, just maybe, God can assist me. I start to feel brave – I have some courage – I begin to trust God again. I do not think that I am so bad.
God WILL do for me what he has done for others. My sense of love for the Lord returns slowly. I make the leap of faith that God could and would restore my sanity, as it comes to alcohol. I am in awe of God’s mercy and power once again. I experience his loving-kindness and the tender benevolent affection he holds for me. I am protected – safe and whole again. I am blessed to be God’s child.