It took my higher power three days to arise from death. It took me three heartfelt prayers. “Lord Jesus, please get me out from under this bridge” was the first. “Please don’t let their punishment be too severe” followed by “Jesus as I walk out of this jail with no clothes, wallet, phone, food, shelter or family please do not let me live back under that bridge”. Struggle was the only thing that would serve as the catalyst for creation of faith, leading me to a spiritual awakening.
Struggle was all I knew. I was stubborn and always unwilling to ask for help, especially from a source that I could not see or hear. I was failing miserably and had absolutely no choice, but to turn to God. If he did not exist I knew I would die. I had already suffered both physical death due to a heroin overdose and spiritual death by the way I had chosen to live life.
Although I claimed a belief in God at a relatively young age, perhaps I was agnostic. I was too intelligent to believe in something I could not see. In all reality, I was too ignorant to truly see. God was there through all my struggles waiting until I was ready to live life like he outlined for us thousands of years ago. This is the same outline used by Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. If you are curious how the twelve steps can work, this is what they did for me.
To have a story that addicts could relate to, God allowed for some suffering in my life. I am so grateful for all of it. Jails, institutions, and death are what the Big Book informs us that addictions will lead to. In my case…all three were true. I have experienced county jail, state jail, prison, over a dozen trips to mental health facilities and actual death. When I died I never saw a light and that concerned me. I knew I needed to change. Several months after my overdose I went back to a treatment center in Austin, Texas. This is where change for me began.
This was the first treatment in which I would finally work the steps. It was the last resort. I remind you that I had already been brought back from death.
One month into treatment I had obtained a sponsor and we began. Steps one, two, and three were simple. Step four was a lot of writing…a lot. Sufficiently motivated, I was able to finish in less than two days. I was ready to start life over. I started with calling to check accounts, money owed by me and to me, and legal stuff. The legal stuff got me. I had a felony warrant for heroin possession in Houston. I still had to move on. The next day I sat down with Mr. C and God and told them the exact nature of my wrongs. I aired it all out, even the fact that I had a felony looming in Houston for a crime I was guilty of committing. I was not sure I could stay sober. “What would you like to happen in the case Shane”, said Mr. C. I told him God knows I want to stay sober, but I need to turn myself in order to do that. “Well what would you like to happen in the case”, he again asked. “I wish they would dismiss it”, I said in a pretty angry tone. “I want to keep working on my recovery. I do not need to be in prison”, I added. “You asked and it will be done”, he replied. “Do you know who you are talking too?” “Yes Sir, Mr. C”, I responded. “NO”, he said. “You have been talking to God. Now that I have told you that, you are now speaking to Ben C. You see while we were working these steps the spirit was speaking through me. You are speaking to plain ol’ Ben C.” he stated.
This man was 76 years old and senile kept running through my mind. What did he not hear? I was absolutely guilty. I was what the state calls a “slam dunk.” Nevertheless, for the rest of my stay I continued checking to see if the case had been dropped. Day after day it was still there. Hope soon vanished. After a couple weeks, I was successfully discharged from the program. Fear still gripped me, relapse seemed inevitable with the stress of the looming charges. I’m going to have to go get sober in jail…why not use, was a reoccurring thought that I battled with.
Upon my discharge from the recovery program, I went to stay with a friend I had met in Austin. My daughter drove me there and I could see concern in her eyes. I assured her that I was never using again. This would be my last using lie. Now when I say I will not use, it is the Holy Spirit speaking through me, just as it spoke through Mr. C. My daughter dropped me off with our last hug and when she said “goodbye” she did not realize who company she was leaving.
I entered my friend’s house and it was littered with liquor and prescription bottles. I was good for all of six hours. I assured myself that I would take only two pain pills. No more than two. The next morning I awoke with the obsessive thoughts for continued use. Two days later in a five hour blackout, I was arrested for DWI. God knew where my drug use was going to take me, so he turned me over to the authorities. He knew I would not turn myself in like I had promised. It was in that holding cell that my life would change.
Alone….so I thought. A cold, lonely cell. A voice said, “it is over.” Am I still high? “You have learned the things necessary for your life and others”, the same God that had to be proven to me, had just spoke. I got on my knees and thanked him. He had allowed me not hurt anyone and I was off the streets. Bad things would have surely happened.
I was in Travis County for 30 days and I had hoped that Harris County would drop charges and not come get me. That hope vanished, I was soon on my way to Harris County jail. My faith had been building though. For the first time I prayed, “God, let your will be done.”
My first court date was a test of faith. I had a court appointed attorney and she simply told me that because of my priors, the first offer received was to be between 2-10 years in prison. It was a devastating blow. I went back to my pod and hit my knees. “Lord, I have done wrong. I do not ask for you to get me out of jail, I only ask that my punishment not be too severe, Amen”. I slept well.
“Go to the law library!” Uh-oh, the voice was back and I had to submit. I don’t know anything about law or libraries I thought, but when he called for it I obeyed. “Please show me something Lord”, I said. I walked in and there was an overwhelming feeling. A thousand books, literally. Where do I start? I believe God took my hand and walked me straight over to a book that simply had numbers on it. I later found that it was a penal code. I opened the book and read about cases just like mine. I began to write. Cases by case, I put to paper. I was told to mail my research notes to the attorney. I did this, but received no reply back. I prayed.
My next court date arrived on April 14, 2015. I was in a group of inmates totaling about 20. I was the first one called to the attorney window, it went dead quiet. Everyone listened as my attorney and I spoke. “I think with the information I sent you, we could probably ask for a dismissal, but it is on my heart to say that I had some guilt and therefore should accept responsibility. Go in there and give them their conviction. Tell them if they drop it to misdemeanor possession I will sign for the conviction”, I said. “I’ll see what I can do.” She replied. She left me for some time, then returned.
“Mr. M, tell me you love me” she said upon her return. “You know I love you Ms. T”, I answered. “Your case has been dismissed”, she said. I responded by telling here that I didn’t want it dismissed. She said “sorry” that’s what they did. The other inmates looked at me like I was stupid. On my way back to the dorm a voice said, “I told you months ago, this case would be dismissed!” Again God had spoken to me. I teared up. God had dismissed the case the way he wanted to and not the way I wanted it done. The way I thought it should have been done would have only benefited the physical me. I gave the District Attorney a conviction and God wouldn’t let them take it. He had already promised to have it dismissed.
God does not lie.